(originally published in 1995)
“Twas two weeks after Christmas, and all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
My spouse in his skivvies, and I in my long shirt
were asleep behind bars, our burglar alarm on alert.
When out on the lawn there arose such sounds
I sprang for my pistol and loaded two rounds.
Armed with the knowledge of my concealed gun permit
I flung open the door and shouted “That’s it!”
With alarms shrilly blaring and disturbing the night
I raced from my house, the intruder in sight.
He was off like a flash, dodging wildly between cars
I gave wind to the chase guided only by stars.
Down the street we two flew past a neighborhood lot
’til I pointed my gun and let off a shot.
Alas, with a target that moved and a light so uncertain
that shot went astraythrough a neighbor’s lace curtain.
It landed three feet from the homeowner’s bed,
broke the window, a lamp and grazed the neighbor’s head.
The crook (if he was one) got clean away,
the neighbor, however, filed suit the next day.
I turned to my insurance but then a surprise!
I’d been off my property – the claim was denied!
No costs of defense, no paid lawyer’s fees,
no coverage for judgment…I was knocked to my knees.
Paying thousands of dollars slaked my gunslinger thirst
I still have my permit, but I call police first.