Ah, Thanksgiving.
A federal holiday stemming from a proclamation President Abraham Lincoln issued on October 3, 1863, that set a precedent to observe the last Thursday of November next as an annual day of thanksgiving. In 1941 President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a bill officially marking the celebration for the fourth Thursday in November.
But enough history. Let us talk instead of something more practical: the opportunities presented by family gatherings at celebrations such as Thanksgiving.
Different Types of Families
In my 40 years of practicing law, I have seen the best and the worst of families.
The Communicative Family
The best of families communicate often, avoid aggravating other family members, do not take offense easily, and celebrate other’s successes. Family members make a conscious effort to see good instead of evil and chalk up awkward behavior to a bad day. They share, equally, the challenges of change. They may disagree, but they do not retaliate.
This type of family uses family gatherings to laugh, catch up on the news, reminisce, and continue family traditions.
The Dysfunctional Family
The dysfunctional families have one or more members who are egocentric. Those family members see themselves as victims, often feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. They want control without accountability. They shirk family duties and punish others with silence and dramatic behavior. They use family gatherings to judge, make barbed comments, take offense, and add to their long list of grievances. The primary emotions they feel are schadenfreude (a positive reaction to others’ misfortune) and Freuden Schade (a negative reaction to others’ good fortune).
Family Dynamics and Caregiver Roles
Family gatherings are just a microcosm of the entire family dynamic. Whether they happen at holidays, baptisms, weddings, or funerals, they are really just a blip in time. The family is not really put to the test until the patriarch or matriarch starts aging.
That is when the truth comes out. Who will step up to help when the three-hour celebratory event morphs into a decade-long caregiving role?
That is when the burden starts for their children, who already have busy lives of their own.
It is easy for one child to take a parent to that first doctor’s appointment. But when the first appointment leads to a second and third appointment, and then an outpatient procedure, and then supervising medicines and getting midnight calls about a fall, the time demands can become overwhelming.
Next comes cleaning out the house and moving a parent to a facility, confrontations about driving and scams, and maybe dementia. Who is going to help when a family member is in need?
The best of families can edge closer to the dysfunctional side when a parent starts aging and needs help. Is this slow slide into dysfunction inevitable? Of course not.
You just have to think “Thanksgiving.”
Remembering the Importance of Family
Rooted in tradition, enhanced by memory, defined by the present.
A family gathering provides the perfect opportunity for a family to reinforce values, love, and fellowship. It only requires participation. Yours.
Clear off your calendar. Attend the family gathering, and host if you want. Enjoy yourself. Use your phone to take pictures instead of sending texts. Play football. Help with food preparation and clean-up. Organize games. Talk. Congratulate each other for accomplishments. Create a family slogan. Sit at the kids’ table. Listen to rambling stories. Tell one of your own. Plan the next gathering.
Help when you can – and you always can.
Reinforce the values that got you here, because those same values will take you into the future.
And give thanks for having this opportunity.
Hammerle Finley Law Firm Wishes You a Happy Thanksgiving
Our team of attorneys would like to wish you a safe and happy Thanksgiving holiday. We hope it’s spent with loved ones and your family enjoys quality time together.
Virginia Hammerle is an accredited estate planner and represents clients in estate planning, probate, guardianship, and contested litigation. She may be reached at legaltalktexas@hammerle.com. This blog contains general information only and does not constitute legal advice.
